The Accident

I sat on the window bench watching the rain fall outside my apartment.

I felt on the inside as the weather looked outside.  I hadn't spent much time outside my home aside from going to work and the store since I started to fall apart back in the spring. I wasn't sure why I had fallen apart either. I went to the doctor many times hoping they could help me, I was put on antidepressants but they never worked for long. 

As time went on, I started to have anxiety, fears I couldn't explain, and terrible thoughts. No matter what I tried they just wouldn't go away. As I sat there looking out the window I kept thinking of the idea of taking my life, the idea came to me earlier in the week. That was the first time I had ever thought of doing such a thing and that scared me so very much.  I loved my life; everything I did had a purpose and a reason.

The doctor suggested that I should seek counseling, although I never did because I didn't think there was a need. It wasn't like things were built up inside eating away at me. My friends tried to get me to talk when I started to change but I told them there was nothing to talk about, I knew they didn't buy it. After a while, I stopped spending time with them and kept to myself more and more. I ended up feeling empty without them but I couldn't bear going out unless I really had to.

I continued watching the rain come and go. I watched cars drive by and my neighbors come and go. Then suddenly I watched in horror as a little girl darted out into the street. I heard a car skid on the wet road then watched as the driver swerved to miss her and slam into a tree. The sounds of the skidding and crash as the car smashed into the tree took me to back. Back to a beautiful spring day when I saw a similar accident but that time the child did get hit.

He was fine but I was terrified for days.  At that moment, I knew what caused me to fall apart. It was the accident earlier that spring. Well, not entirely, no, but it triggered part of a memory, one I had stored away for a very very long time about another accident.

I was eight years old and had been with my best friend in the whole world the entire day. Just like all the other days that summer we were always together. Usually where one was the other was never too far behind.  We had just done a little bit of yard work for a neighbor lady. She had us pull weeds in her flower gardens and all around her prized rose bushes.  Justin and I worked hard while laughing and giggling, teasing each other like we always did.

I loved Justin so much and always would.  All the other boys were talking about having a girlfriend but I wished Justin to be my boyfriend.  Even then, I liked other boys like boys liked girls. You could say I had a crush on my best friend and it was true. 

When Justin and I were done with all the weeding that we were asked to do, we went to tell Miss Galliger we had finished what she wanted to be done. 

"Thank you both so much for coming to pull weeds today, you know since I fell last month I haven't been able to do as much yard work as I used too," she said

"Yes Ma'am we know and your welcome," I said to her.  She smiled and handed us both a five-dollar bill. 

"Now if you boys come back tomorrow I will see what else I have for you to do." 

"Yes Ma'am we will," we said in unison.   After we said our thank yous, we left giggling and chatting away. 

"Let's go to the store Parker," Justin said

"Are you sure?"  I asked, "Maybe we should wait until tomorrow, that way we will have more money," I said to my friend. 

"Oh come on I want to go get something." he pleaded with me  

"Okay, let's go ask our mom's first."

We both ran home to ask our moms' permission to go to the store.  We knew they would say yes but we ask more because they want us to ask so they know where we will be when we leave more than just a few blocks from home. 

Mom said yes I could go but to be careful and watch for cars. I thanked her and ran to Justin's house a block away.  Just as I got to his house, he was coming out. 

"Want to race," he asked me when we were just a block from the store. 

"Sure," I told him, "On your mark, get set, Go," I said

We both ran as fast we could, I stayed right on his heels the whole time.  When we reached the street I called for him to stop but he didn't.  Neither of us saw the car but when I heard the car skidding everything went into slow motion. My blood ran cold and when I heard my best friend impact with the car with a sickening thud I screamed in a way I had never heard. I saw Justin's body fly into the air and fall back to the ground; my whole world came crashing down.

I didn't remember much after that except for voices, sirens then more voices. Someone was talking to me but I had no idea who it was or what they said, I was in my own dark world. I guess at some point I blacked out completely. When I woke up I was in a bed somewhere but I didn't know where. My parents were there with me, mom had been crying but I didn't understand why.

Maybe it was because I was in the hospital.  Of course, I had no idea why I was there I didn't feel sick or hurt.  Later after the doctor had come to see me was when I was told that my best friend in the whole wide world was dead. I also learned I had been asleep for two days.

That spring day when I saw the little boy get hit by a car was the first time that I ever remembered what had happened to my Justin.  At some point in my young life, I blocked out most of that summer. I didn't remember pulling weeds, racing my friend and falling apart. I didn't even remember the funeral. 

I can't explain it, seeing that accident that spring day brought back memories but at the same time didn't. You see the horror of seeing that boy get hit brought back the horror from watching my friend get hit by a car but not the memories of the actual event. From that day on I started to fall apart all over again, though I had no idea why. By the time I went to the doctor to seek help I had forgotten the accident altogether.

Sitting on the window bench watching the police, firemen, and paramedics work on the driver of the car that hit the tree I remembered everything all over again. I even started to remember the funeral of my friend.  Not very well mind you because it was all just a blur. I'm guessing from the moment that Justin hit the ground I completely lost it to the point of anything that happened next was lost to me. Though remembering while sitting safely in my apartment away from the accident down below in the rain things started to become clear again. 

Suddenly I got up and called my mom.  She was so grateful to hear from me since I hadn't talked to her much the last several months.  I begged her to tell me everything she could remember about Justin's accident. She was reluctant but I got her to tell me everything she could remember.  

A few days later I flew back home, back to where my parents lived and where I grew up. Mom told me she saved every newspaper clipping about the accident. I read each one over and over again.  Then I looked at all the pictures of Justin and me. I got her to tell me stories about the two us. I don't know why I completely blocked out my friend but I did. Reading the newspaper clippings, looking at the pictures and listening to mom tell me the stories I started to remember Justin and the friendship I had with him.   

I found out that Miss Galliger planted a rose bush in her yard in honor of my friend. She also bought two other rose bushes, giving one to me and one to Justin's mom as well.

Once I felt I could handle it, I went to visit Justine's grave.  Mom took me so I wouldn't be alone.  I cried for my long lost friend.  I told him I was sorry for forgetting about him. For blocking out our friendship for so very long. 

Next up was where it all happened. This time I had to go alone, from my old house, I walked to the intersection where I had last seen Justin alive.  Standing there, I relived the incident all over again in my head. Not far from where I had collapsed that day, I noticed a bench.  It was made out of what I assumed to be granite.  I walked over to the light gray bench and saw a plaque that read In memory of Justin Wilsher.  I sat down and read the inscription over and over again.

"Mind if I sit here?" came a voice out of nowhere. I looked up and saw the hottest guy I had ever seen. 

"Uh, no it's fine, you can sit" I slowly got out. 

"You alright?" he asked me.

After wiping my puffy eyes I said: "I am now, everything will be fine." I told the handsome stranger.  

"Mind if I ask what you were crying about?"  

I waited a moment to collect my thoughts.  "I was just remembering is all."  

"Not a good memory I take it," he said tenderly

"Uh no, not at all," I replied.  He didn't take his eyes off me. I don't know why I did it but suddenly I started telling my story about Justin. I ended it with talking about the bench we were sitting. 

"Well, that had to be rough, you seeing that.  You say you lived not far from here," he said.  I told him yes and rattled off an address.  

I learned he was in town helping his parents move into a place they had just bought not far away. As it turned out it was Miss Galliger's old place.  That was when I told him about the rose bushes that were planted in honor of Justin. 

"Hey listen I got to get back over there I bet they are thinking I got lost."  He said

"Why don't we walk together I got to get back too?" I said and so we walked back together.

That was five years ago. The handsome man that listened to my story?  His name is Joseph, Justin's cousin.  We stayed in contact since he lived only a mile from my apartment building. The more we got to know each other the more I remembered him staying with Justin's family. In fact, he left to go back home just days before the accident.

I got back to my old self in no time. The counseling the doctor suggested helped me a lot. Within months of getting back on my feet again, Joseph and I started dating. Losing Justin the way I did caused me to fall apart not once but twice. I like to think that Justin sent me Joseph that day so he could look after me and so I could happy once again.

I must end this now because it is time I go water the rose bush the two of us planted in our yard in honor of my first love.

Comments always appreciated at C. J. Gibb