I woke up about one, but I couldn't fall back asleep, I got out of bed so I didn't wake up my boy with all the tossing and turning. I went and sat at the kitchen table with my laptop. I thought reading would help get me drowsy again. I restarted a favorite story of mine on Nifty. I was lost in the story when a drowsy green-eyed cutie climbed into my lap wrapping the blanket he had around us both.
"What are you doing up?" I asked him while kissing his neck.
"I woke up, but you weren't next to me. I came looking for you," he said with a sleepy voice.
"You didn't have to. Why didn't you just fall back asleep?" I said with more kisses to his neck as he snuggled closer
"I couldn't sleep without you next to me."
"I'm sorry sweetie, I woke up but couldn't fall back asleep and I didn't want to wake you with my tossing and turning."
"What you reading?" he asked after eyeing the screen.
"A favorite story of mine from Nifty," he mumbled oh then buried his warm face into my neck.
I whispered, "Why don't you go back to bed, I won't be long." he shook his head in response.
"You won't go unless I come with you huh?" he only nodded his head.
"Okay." I closed my laptop and held him for a bit. "I love you so much Carson you know that?" I whispered in his ear. He nods and says he loves me too. I ease him off my lap and stand up then walk him back to bed. Once we are back under the covers I pull him to me, kissing the back of his neck softly while in hailing his scent. Which relaxes me and I finally fall back asleep.
"What are we doing today?" Carson asked while we were in the shower scrubbing each other. I had just taken him against the shower wall. I think we will be content for the rest of the day but that ass of his is so distracting.
"I don't know, I never really planned on much besides just staying alone with you."
"I like the sound of that," he said grinning at me.
"You will be the death of me young man," I told him
"I know, but a way to go huh?"
I pulled him to me looking into his eyes and said, "You have no fucking idea." Then I kissed him until he let go to get a breather.
I was sitting on the couch watching some random show on TV with Carson laying with his head in my lap. He was working on a word find as I unconsciously played with his hair. He is such a gorgeous young man. Sometimes I find myself wondering what he is doing with me when he could be with a guy his age. But I just remember those first days together and think that I became just as important to him as he became to me. Once in a while, I worry that one day he will find a guy at school and be with him. I don't know why I think that, except that I tend to think I don't deserve him.
I was laying on the couch with my head in Kirk's lap and my knees up working on a word search while Kirk watched some show on TV. When I woke up last night, but he wasn't in bed I had a sudden panic. I was scared he wasn't there. I had that happen a lot when I first got back to school. It took some time to get used to not having right next to me holding me while I slept, even though I didn't spend every night with him during that summer. I worry a lot that he will get tired of me and find someone else. I know he loves me but that don't keep the worries at bay. I wish I could just live with him all the time so I don't have to worry so much. But I have to stay at school so far away from him.
I had doubts about people falling for each other right away but I know how I felt for Kirk by the first night we slept together in my bed. My feelings for him only got stronger after that first day with him. Even though he had gone through hell, there was something about him that I really liked.
At first, I thought it would be kinda hard being in a relationship with someone older. Like we would be so different, but it has turned out way better than I ever thought. Even if we can't see each other all the time getting to talk to him on the phone helps.
He is so amazing my Kirk is. He has loads of money but lives so simply. He works so hard and adores those kids at the center. I don't think I have ever seen him unsure of himself except for the first few weeks I knew him. But he was dealing with an awful lot then.
Every time I hear his voice on the phone or see him for the first time in weeks my tummy feels as it's filled with butterflies. I really hope he knows how much I love him and how much I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I sit up and say "Kirk."
"Yeah babe," he replies looking over at me. I suddenly get nervous and can't get out what I wanted to say.
"Carson, what is it?"
"Kirk I" he just looks at me "Well cutie spit it out." he smiles at me
"Kirk I love you" he reaches out and rubs the back of his hand on my cheek.
"I love you, my handsome boy."
"What I mean is I love you very much and I always want to be with you. Only you. I don't want to be with anyone else but you." I finally got it out.
He takes my hand pulls me to him. "I love you too Carson. I only want you as well." He puts his forehead on mine and continues "You have an effect on me that no one ever has before. I can't imagine my life without you."
He kisses me slipping his tongue in to find mine. My whole-body shivers from the feeling of this deep kiss and my love for him. When we part he takes my hand again, stands up while turning the TV off and pulls me to the bedroom. We made long passionate love for hours. He was very tender and made it last longer than ever before.
"So, you always want to be with me huh? You're sure of that?" I asked the gorgeous boy in my arms, we were lying in bed enjoying our afterglow.
"Of course, I do, I love you too much not to and if you keep doing to me what you just did I most certainly always will." his eyes sparkled which caused a chill down my spine.
"I will always want to be with you as well and I will do everything I can to make sure that happens."
"Like not getting lost in your work and work on our relationship when there are signs of trouble?"
"Absolutely" I leaned in and kissed him tenderly. "I really want us to work out. Because I need you and you need me."
"Damn right we need each other, I'd be lost without you and I'd hate to think of where you would be if I hadn't come back to find you. Now let's get something to eat I'm starving," he said
"Me too but first let's shower you covered me with boy cream," I said getting up while pulling him with me.
"Yeah but you love being covered in boy cream." he knows me so well.
"Only from one boy though." I grinned at him
"You better hope so." he glared at me knowing I was kidding but he had to say it.
"OH, I do hope so, that it keeps happening that is." I was turning the water on. I knew he was rolling his eyes at me.
"Play your cards right and it will now get in there you need scrubbed by that boy." I turned and pulled him in with me.
"You're such a dork you know that?" I asked him.
"Yep sure do, why else would you love me so much?"
I wrapped him in my arms and said: "That perfect ass for one."
"OH what else?" he said grinning.
"Those amazing hypnotizing green eyes that I get lost in every time I look into them. That smile that melts me every time I see it."
"Now you're making things up." he shook his head
"I swear I'm not, it's all true."
"Really?" I could see doubt but his eyes were sparkling like crazy.
"Really, really." he leaned into me our lips made contact, another mind-blowing kiss.
"What are you in the mood for?" I ask Carson, Matt, and Anne. We are sitting at a local restaurant. We decided to invite them last minute for a quick Thanksgiving dinner. They all decided and told the server when he came to the table. We chatted while we waited for our food to come. I admit I wanted to spend more time with Carson while he was here but we felt it would be nice to invite Matt and his Mother Anne to join us. Which is good, Matt and Carson could spend more time together. We had a great time getting to know each other better.
When we were all finished eating Carson and I decided to walk around the nearby park. While Matt and his mom just headed back home. "Going to snow tonight by the looks of it," I said walking next to Carson holding his hand.
"Yeah probably," he said looking up at the clouding sky.
"Long as it doesn't snow while we head to mom and dads. I hate traveling in snowy weather."
"Yeah so do I but I'm more worried it snowing on Sunday when you head back to school," I replied with concern.
"Yeah, no kidding. It will take forever with the traffic and you know I will only go slow when it snows."
"I hate to say it but maybe you should plan on leaving early Sunday," I told him
"I'd rather not but let's check the weather and find out how bad it will be. Maybe if it does storm it will be closer to school"
"If we are lucky." I smiled at him for reassurance. After walking around for 20 minutes the snow started coming down so we headed to the car.
Once we got home we curled up on the couch and watched a movie until I noticed that Carson fell asleep. I turned the TV off and walked him to the bedroom stripped him and tucked him into bed. I went and made sure all was locked up turned off the lights then joined him in bed. I pulled him to me draping an arm over him. He even laced his fingers through mine in his sleep.
We slept soundly through the night. I woke up on my back with Carson's head on one of my shoulders and he had a leg laying over mine. His hand was on my chest, his fingers playing with my chest hair.
"You awake?" I whisper all I got was mumbles in reply and fingers kept at it. I wrapped my arms around him pulling him close.
"You wanna lay here all day playing with my chest hair?" I asked kissing his head
"Mmm hmm" was his reply while nodding his head.
"You okay sweetie?" a mix of moan and grumble is all I got in return.
"Carson if something is bothering you gotta tell me. He pushed away from me to lay on his side letting out a sigh of annoyance. So I rolled on my side to face him.
"What is it?"
"Do we really have to go?" he whined.
"Yeah, of course, we do your parents are expecting us and I need to meet your siblings." I smiled at him
"How about we tell em you're sick instead?" he suggested.
I put my hand on his cheek "What is this about? You seemed fine last night."
"Yeah well I changed my mind I'd rather spend the whole day with you alone like we did most of yesterday." sliding my hand to the back of his head I pull him closer and kiss him softly
"I have a feeling there is more to this than just wanting to spend the day together." He rolled onto his back just staring at the ceiling letting out another sigh.
"Honestly, I don't feel like dealing with my brothers and sister and their questions. I mean, you're not just meeting them. They are also finding out about me for the first time." I took his hand and laced my fingers through his.
"Carson, don't you remember what I said when we left your parents? I told you they may already know or at least suspect you're gay. I know it's hard to deal with, but I will be there with you the whole time and so will your parents."
"Ugh I know but I" he paused "I don't know if I can do that right now." I sat up and looked down at him right into his eyes.
"If it will make it easier I won't go." He shot straight up "What? What do you mean you won't go? You have to go."
"If you are not ready for your siblings to know, it would be better that I don't go. Listen let's get something to eat and get dressed then we will talk about it okay?" I was looking into his bright green eyes. He nodded and said, "Okay let's eat ."
We ate then showered and got dressed. I could tell he was still uneasy. I cuddled him on the couch while we watched a home improvement show. Well, I watched he was too distracted.
"What time is dinner at?" I asked, "Um 5ish."
"Are you worried about how they will react?"
"No, not really." There has got to be something I'm missing but what I wasn't sure. I didn't want to push him too much, but I had to find out what was going on, so I can get him to see all would go fine.
"There are lots of reasons why I don't go." he suddenly said
"Well, what are they? We can work them out together."
"Well the things I told you earlier for starters, I hate having to be away from you like I do, it's hard on me. When everything becomes too much all I want to do is be in your arms, but I can't. There is also Marsha, she can be such a bitch at times, she ruins family gatherings. To be honest she has never really treated me right. She makes all nice when people are noticing but I know she doesn't like me, and I have no idea why either." he took a minute to pause then continued.
"There is also this whole thing with Matt and Mark. I am so excited about all of it but now I have to be with my family knowing this huge secret. Kirk this is just way too much for me to handle all at once. I want to go see my family, but I don't, it is really hard on me. That's why I just want to stay home with you. If I can stay here in your arms everything will be fine. No bitch to deal with, no secrets to keep and no awkward moments either." He was very upset by the time he was done.
I held him to me and kissed his head. I didn't expect there to be so much for him to have to be dealing. I should have known though but I don't know why I didn't add it all up. The thing with Marsha was new to me he never mentioned it. So, no matter what there would be at least one problem for him to face going to see his family. I told him earlier we would work it all out, but I wasn't sure what to do or how to convince him all would be fine.
So I sat up and had him sit next to me so we could face each other. I looked at my sweet boy, his eyes were red, and tears streaked down his cheeks. I wiped them away for him.
"Carson honey I am so sorry I didn't think about all of this. I was just focused on meeting your family and your coming out. I never thought how this thing with Matt would affect you today. I should have realized everything you would have to deal with once you got there. I really am sorry."
"Don't be sorry, it's not your fault. Actually, I didn't really think about all of it until I woke up this morning. I was laying there playing with your chest hair for a long time before you woke up going over everything. Over and over again." he looked so worn out from his mind working overtime.
"Come here." I pulled him to me. He buried his face in my neck while I held the back of his head with one hand and rubbed his back with the other.
"Part of me wants to just stay here with you but we have an obligation to be there. We can just go there, have a good time, get the part of us two out of the way and go from there. With me there you should be able to avoid the bitch and if she starts anything with you I'll handle it. If you need to talk to me about your need to keep our secret from the family we can. You know if it gets too much we could sneak up to your room for a breather or just leave, your parents will understand. Think you can handle that?" He nodded without moving his face from my neck. It always tickles when he puts his face there, but it comforts him so much I can't tell him not to do it anymore. I always let him stay that way until he feels better and lets go.
Debbie stopped by with a pie she made for us. We invited her to stay to have a drink with us, so she did. We caught up on each other's news, talked about what was bothering Carson with going to dinner with his family and we talked about Matt. Shortly after she left Carson laid down on the couch and fell asleep. I put a blanket over him and sat near him then looked for something to watch on TV. Just I found something I wanted to watch I got a call, it was Matt.
"Hey, Matt," I said when I answered getting up to leave the room so I didn't wake Carson.
"Uh hey can, can I come over?" I could tell he was upset, it was something in his voice.
"Matt, what going on, are you okay?"
"Please? Can I?"
"Matt where are you right now?"
"I'm at the park, ya know the one by the dinner we ate at?"
"Okay, good stay right there. I'll be there in just a few minutes." I ended the call and grabbed my coat. I went and knelt down by the couch.
"Carson I got to go, I'll be back as soon as I can." Carson had woken up while I was on the phone.
"Huh, what, where are you going?" he asked confused
"I got to go see Matt, something is up. He called asking if he could come over. I could tell something was up with him. Listen I'll try not to be too long okay?''
"I'll come with" I cut him off.
"No, you stay here and get some rest I won't be long okay." I kissed his lips softly and stood up. I walked to the door, unlocking the deadbolt I turn to him and say "If I am too long I will call and let you know, I love you."
"I love you too," he said.
I hurried to my car. As soon as I got in I got another call, it was Matt's mom Anne. She wanted to know if I had heard from Matt. They had a fight and he stormed out, but he didn't take a coat or anything. I didn't ask about the fight, but I told her I had heard from him and was going to see him right then and told her not to worry. She was content with that and left me to go find her son.
I looked for him as I approached the park but didn't see him. I pulled into the parking lot and found a spot. As soon as I put the car in park there was a tapping on the passenger window. It was Matt, so I unlocked the door and he climbed in. He was shivering as expected. I had the heater cranked up so by the time I got to the park the car was already too hot for me, but I left it on high for him.
With chattering teeth, he said, "Thanks, thanks for coming."
"Not a problem kiddo, I'm glad you called me though."
He stayed quiet aside from his chattering teeth. "Matt your mother called me right after you did."
"What, what did, did she say?" He stuttered out due to the cold.
"Just that you two had a fight and you stormed out, without a coat," I said the last part with annoyance. "Matt, I get you were mad and wanted to leave but it was really stupid of you to not put a coat on."
"I know," he mumbled with his head down.
"Do you really?" I questioned
"Yeah but that's why I called you, I knew you would help me." He said looking at me with a look I saw all too often in his eyes.
"Come here Matt," I said leaning over and reaching my arms out. He leaned into me and wrapped his arms around me. Into his ear, I softly said "I know things are rough right now. Being a teen is hard, I know that and I know it's been extra hard for you lately. It will get better I promise, you just have to wait." He leaned back wiped hair out of his eyes and said. "It's not just that it's it's." he went quiet.
"It's everything. I know Matt, I know. Listen, you have been through a lot more than you ever should have but things will get better. Your mom is cleaning herself up, I know it hasn't been long, but you and I are here to help her this time."
"How do you know she won't start drinking again? HUH?"
"I don't know Matt, but I am willing to help her and I'm sure Carson is too. So, between the 3 of us as her sponsors, she should be able to do it. Is that what the fight was about, her drinking?"
"Well, not just that no."
"Hold on just a second" I called Carson to let him know what was going on and that I won't be gone for much longer. I then called Anne to let her know I had Matt and he was fine, and she doesn't need to worry about him. I told her I would bring him home later. She thanked me for going to get him and apologized for interrupting my weekend. I told her it was fine, that I am always happy to help.
When the call was done Matt said. "I'm not ready to go home."
"I know you're not Matt, but you have to go back at some point."
"Why can't I just stay with you instead?"
"Because you can't just to stay somewhere else when things aren't going the way you want."
"You just don't want me around" he screamed and tried to get out of the car, but I grabbed a hold of his arm
"Let go of me," he screamed I calmly said, "Matt please get back in the car."
"No, let me go." He demanded again
"Matt please don't go, it's too damn cold out there."
He waited then said, "I'll go somewhere where it's warm."
"Where Matt? Where will you go?"
"I, I don't know somewhere."
I let go of his arm "If that's what you really want to do then I won't stop you." I didn't want to say and do what I just did but something told me to let him go. "But remember you called me for a reason and because of that I came here to get you. I came because I care about you, Matt." He stood there for a few minutes then got back into the warm car. He folded his arms and stared forward not saying anything.
"Matt, I do want you around, you know I do. But that does not mean you can run away hoping to stay with me every time something goes wrong. You can come to me anytime you need help or someone to talk to." I told him. He didn't say anything at all.
"Matt, I love you, I can't explain how or why but I loved you the day you came to my office. The more I got to know you the more I loved you."
Turning to me he said, "You love me, but why?"
"Because you are an important part of my life. Even more so, now that we know you are family."
He leaned his head against the window. "I didn't think I was important to anyone," he said with so much sadness I felt a pain in my heart for him.
"Whatever made you think that way? You have always been important to me Matt."
"No one ever made me feel I was important, no one ever said I was important. Well except for you."
"Matt look at me" he didn't move for a few seconds then he turned to look at me. I leaned over to him and placed a hand on his cheek. He had tears dripping down his cheeks, I wiped them and said. "You have always been important believe me. Don't let anyone make you think you're not." I pulled him in for another hug.
Oh, this poor sweet boy has been hurting for so long, I don't know if he even knows what it's like to be happy again. I suddenly thought back to that day I met Carson. I felt so lost and alone that I thought I would never be happy again. I was scared that this young man in my arms felt like that way I did nearly every day of his life. I knew what he wanted, what he thought would make his life better but him living with me won't change all his problems.
I held him in my arms until my phone rang. It was Carson, I panicked then looked at the clock it was four o'clock. Where the hell did the time go? I thought to myself then answered the phone
"Where are you? We have to be there in an hour?" he asked worriedly
"I'm sorry I am still with Matt, the time got away from us."
"You better hurry back and get ready so we can get going."
"Okay, I will be there right there bye." I hung up, backing up Matt and I got on seat belts on. We were at the apartment in five minutes.
"Have a seat while I get ready," I told Matt then headed for the bedroom. I got my shirt off when Carson came in.
"Where were you I was worried." I could tell he was more annoyed than worried.
"I'll explain later, let me get dressed," I said undoing my pants.
"Why can't you tell me now Kirk?" Carson said with a raised voice. I knew I had upset him by not telling him how long I would be gone even though I promised I wouldn't belong. I stepped out of my pants, stepped up to him and wrapped him in my arms.
I whispered in his ear "Matt needed my help baby I had to go to him. I lost track of time because he was falling apart on me. I'm sorry I didn't tell you I would be gone longer because I didn't think I would be." I put my forehead to his and said "Please don't be mad, he really needed my help, I wasn't going to take him back home in the state he was in. I will tell you more on the road, okay?"
He nodded his head "Okay, now hurry." He told me.
I got all ready and we left, on the way we stopped at Matt's apartment. I walked him up to his apartment telling him everything was going to be okay and we could talk more later.
Once back in the car we headed down the road. I told Carson bits and pieces of what was said in the car between Matt and me. I told him enough for him to understand I was gone that long for a reason and that Matt needed someone to talk things out with and someone to hold him. Carson knew I only ever told him so much of my talks with Matt. Somethings don't need to be repeated to other people. It wasn't until we were nearly at his parent's place that I realized he had been pushing me to get going after having a whole morning of him not wanting to go at all.
A big thank you to Max and Mason.
Comments always appreciated at C. J. Gibb